New year, new chances, right? And yet we deal with the same old issues…
New Year’s Eve was a blast. The Stud and I decided to hang out, take it easy, relax, and had just a few friends around to share that laid-back mentality. That mentality, however, didn’t mean a lack of alcohol indulgence and we managed to get ourselves very drunk. This was a decision we paid dearly for the next morning. It was delightful, however, to see the Stud don my new winter hat- a white, angora bucket hat, which he generally detests- and prance around the living room. That man is hot stuff ladies. And it was lovely to hear the profuse professions of love from the man, even if it was brought on by my drunken admission to hatred for his ex-girlfriend.
What was not a blast, however, what was no fun at all, was our conversation just 3 nights later.
If you’ve ever read my postings before, you know that I’m a bit commitment phobic. I’ve been engaged once before and it didn’t end in a wedding, so I may well be more fearful of those vows than most people. You also know that, from the beginning of our relationship, the Stud and I have agreed that, if at any point, we knew we could not marry the other person, we would break up with them and spare them the agony of going through all the time and energy and emotion only to have it end in more heartbreak later. It seemed the decent thing to do. And we’ve been together nearly a year now. And he talks about getting engaged/our wedding/being married to each other ALL THE TIME. So, one can reasonably conclude that the man is fairly sure that I might well be “the one.” And I can tell ya right now, I’m sure beyond a doubt.
And yet, the other night, as we’re navigating the delightful cobblestone streets of Baltimore, he tells me he’s not sure about getting married. He tells me that the short engagements of two of my younger sisters has made him nervous about the engagement process. I mean, if he were gonna marry anyone, of course he’d marry me, but he’s just not so sure about the whole marriage thing.
Someone stop the car, I need to throw up. This, to me, sounds suspiciously close to words I heard my ex-fiance utter and it took me months to figure out that he was full of shit, feeding me lines to keep me around and obscure the fact that he had no intention of marrying me. It took me months before I was able to dump his ass. And sitting next to the only man I’ve ever felt this much for, that I’ve ever loved this deeply, hearing him say nearly the same thing the ex-douche bag said… it just isn’t comforting.
The reality now is that I love him as much as I ever have. That I have a hard time sleeping when he isn’t lying next to me. That I miss him 15 minutes after he’s left. That I can’t imagine a day without him in it, and that I really don’t want to. The reality is that we’ve been through a lot, a whole hell of a lot, in the last few months, in the last few weeks even, which had proven and solidified our love for each other. The reality is that every day, I’m sure that he still loves me. But I’m also facing the reality that I’m not so sure the man I want to spend the rest of my life with really wants to spend the rest of his with me.
Franky, I’m not sure how to handle that.
Oh, but he still wants to move in with me, still wants to co-habitate. Some just tell me- am I being a fool here?
I really wouldn’t cohabitate until he “knows” he wants to marry you, aka asks you to marry him. He’s being rather wishy washy. And while we’re on the subject (and I know you already have), It’s good that you let him know that marriage talk is cut out until he actually asks you to marry him. I know you must be extremely tired of it. Much love!
you ARE alive! hmmm… take the cohabitating thing very slowly. i’m hoping for the best for both of you, preferably both of you together
Yay, glad you’re back!
So my two cents might be quite different from others, but when the Boy and I decided to move in together I didn’t look at it as a step along the road to marriage at all. I was thinking more along the lines of, “Do I want to come home to this guy tonight? Tomorrow night? For the next year? Ok, let’s sign a lease.” However, my extended family is not very marriage-oriented at all. All my cousins on my mother’s side are unmarried and well over 30.
And, most importantly, I’m not looking to get married any time soon. I have too many personal things (grad school, debt, find a career rather than a job) I want to take care of before I get married. And the Boy has personal life goal things he wants to acheive before getting married. So we’re in a completely different place than you. Although we did sign a two-year agreement with Verizon together, for what that’s worth….
I get where you’re coming from E. In fact, I already told the Stud that when the lease is up, we can make the move. And I feel good about that decision because, the reality is, I DO want to wake up to that boy every morning and come home to him every night. And I’m happy with just that. I guess the thing that’s got me weirded out isn’t whether or not there’s a ring in my immenent future (I’m not pining for something sparkly) but rather if he feels the same way about me that I do about him. I just don’t want to be the fool with her heart broken, the one who loved too much, ya know?
Also, got any tips on how to merge stuff? Right now I’m thinking GIANT YARD SALE…
Haha, merge stuff.. yeah, we had furniture and kitchenwares figured out with no problem (I may or may not have moved in with the man for his coffeepot, but I’m pretty sure he chose me for the food processor…). However, there are Too Damn Many Books, and it’s not getting any better…