So, last week, I felt unsure of the Stud’s feelings about me and our future and, therefore, was a bit unnerved by any discussions of engagement. And you’d think that when a girl says to her boyfriend “Babe, we really need to quit talking about all of this Engagement/Wedding/Marriage stuff”, he’d be relieved. You’d think that he’d follow those instructions gleefully, gladly wielding a get-out-of-commitment-conversations-free card. You’d think that, after admitting to this girlfriend just less than a week ago that he wasn’t ready yet for marriage, he’d be ecstatic about holding static in their current state.
But not my boyfriend. Nope, he wants to shop for rings and have me sized.
What was supposed to be a casual evening at the mall grabbing a quick bite and window shopping turned into a serious inquiry at the jewelry store. The sales girl and he were intently discussing pricing and sizes of stones and sticking shiny things on my pudgy, trembling fingers “just to see how they looked.” The whole thing was kinda surreal and I just kept thinking “Why the hell am I here?” I don’t think I even looked at him the entire time we were in the store. Or after we left. And he was so intent- he needed answers, damn it, and he wanted to know what I liked because he didn’t want me wearing something for the rest of my life that I was apathetic at best about.
So we had the “what the hell is going on here” conversation. It voided the “let’s not talk about commitment” conversation because, god damn it, I needed a clue. And here’s what I discovered- he’s sure about me, about wanting to be with me and spend his life with me, and he’s dead serious about getting engaged rather soonish (not weeks, mind you, but maybe months), even going so far as to visit SEVERAL jewelers. At least he does his homework. The thing is, he’d really like a long engagement because he needs some time to get his shit together and get his head in gear and be ready to approach the aisle, or the alter, or whatever it is that you approach when you’re a guy and you’re getting hitched. So his comment the other night reflected that he wasn’t ready to be married tomorrow, not that he isn’t sure about me or that he doesn’t want to be engaged tomorrow (because, apparently, that’s not scary at all and he’s all for that).
You could’ve told me that before, Mister.
I’ve been a bit unsure about how to process all this, how to wrap my little brain around it so that it’s properly categorized and labeled and sitting nicely on the shelf. All I can come up with is that he’s serious about me, serious about our future, seriously interested in knowing what kind of options are out there should we decide to stick with each other until death. He wants feedback and opinions and he’s not exactly smooth about the whole thing, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to be tossing an engagement party soon. In fact, the only time I should start counting on receiving an engagement ring is the moment he hits one knee with a little box in hand and a serious question.
This isn’t necessarily easy. I’m not chomping at the bit to be wearing something sparkly, but it is an odd middle ground to be caught in, knowing what’s he contemplating, giving your opinion, and not knowing if or when it will come to fruition. But I can live with this. So it is a bit of a bonehead move to include me so much, in such an odd way, but it makes sense that he’d ask me because I’m his best friend and I’m the one who will be wearing it for the rest of my life (should we decide to actually get engaged). It’s a bit a-traditional, but why should that bother me? The point is, I love him and I’m very happy with where we’re at right now. If we decide to get engaged in the future, that’ll be great, but if not, we’ll still live together (eventually) and love each other and be happy.
Deep breath.
So it’ll all be OK. No need for sweaty palms or shaky fingers. Oh boy.
In other, marginally related news, the shower for the Original Engaged Sister is this weekend. She didn’t pick a maid of honor among her 4 bridesmaids because, really, how could she pick just one sister? So, by default, I’ve become the leader of this pack, being the oldest sister and all, and am losing my mind a bit over these details. However, we did decide to host a wine and dessert shower in the evening and the very thought of seeing my tight laced aunt quaffing glasses of zinfandel and acting out “honeymoon suite” during bridal charades is almost enough to make it all worth while. I really hope someone does something ridiculously inappropriate and that, for once, that someone is not me. Actually, my money’s on Grandma.
he doesn’t really grasp the whole “let’s not talk about marriage” thing does he? Is he going to keep talking about it from now on? Or does it not bother you as much now that you know where he stands?
No idea what he’s gonna do, besides probably buy an engagement ring at some point. It doesn’t bother me too much since I understand now where he’s coming from. When he talks about that stuff, he’s not saying it’ll happen in the immediate future and he’s not planning for tomorrow, but he’s bouncing ideas off me that he’s been dwelling on as a possibility in the future. Knowing that has cleared up a lot. My hopes aren’t pinned to these conversations at all, so I don’t really care.
ha… this reminds of a situation a friend of mine is in. She and her boyfriend actually bought a house together after they’d been dating about a year (meaning they started looking before that!). That was 2 and a half years ago. They know they’ll get married some day, they have discussed wedding plans and general timeframe for the wedding, but they aren’t engaged yet! But it’s working. So nontraditional things can totally work.